


Reasons Why SHINee Shouldn't Drink

by sierrarefit14



Category: SHINee
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Drinking, Humor, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:17:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8647867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierrarefit14/pseuds/sierrarefit14
Summary: Fails and misadventures of the SHINee members when they're drunk.





	1. Booze, Sparkles, and...TWILIGHT?

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction is published on Wattpad and AsianFanficts as well. Both accounts are mine, and this story is not being plagiarized, I promise.

“Edward?” Key's words were slurred as he narrowed his eyes at Jinki, a suspicious look on his face. Onew's brow furrowed in confusion as he placed a hand gently against his friend's head, convinced that a high fever must be affecting his mind. Key's forehead felt normal and the leader's frown became even more pronounced.

“Why are you calling me Edward, Kibum?”

Key giggled and threw his head back against the couch. “Because you're sparkling.” Sparkling? That definitely didn't sound right. Jinki turned and stared into the mirror hanging on the wall. He looked like he normally did - tired, a bit pale from not sleeping enough, and definitely not sparkling.

“What are you talking about, Key?”

“I thought that I would be sparkling. I like glitter and stuff. You never liked glitter. Why are you sparkling and not me?” Key pouted in a way that Onew might have found cute had it not been so damn weird. “I want to sparkle too.”

“Why does he keep talking about sparkles, Jinki-hyung?” Taemin asked as he walked into the room, dark hair wet and plastered to his forehead.

“Well, he apparently thinks that I'm some guy named Edward.”

“Twilight.”

“What?” Onew raised a dark eyebrow at the younger member and Taemin simply shrugged.

“Edward is the main love interest in an American book and movie series called Twilight. It's about vampires and they sparkle in the sunlight.”

“For one, vampires don't sparkle. Two, how would you know?”

“Key-hyung dragged me to the theater to watch it. He likes supernatural stuff even though it creeps him out. He heard that it was supposed to be a really good movie.”

“And?” Onew was genuinely curious now as he stared at Key who was still staring with a strange fixation at the ceiling.

“It sucked. Honestly, I don't know why he's talking about it when he's drunk. I guess we'll never know.”

“Wait, drunk?”

“You really couldn't tell, hyung? Look at him - he's completely wasted.” Onew scrutinized his band-mate's face more carefully and it was only then that he noticed the red hue coloring his pale skin and the glazy look in his cat-like eyes as he finally moved his gaze from the ceiling.

“Taemin doesn't sparkle. Why is Jinki-hyung the only one who sparkles? I'm the Almighty Key - I can do everything. Why can't I learn how to sparkle?” If it was possible, the pout on Key's face grew and his pleading gaze bore into Onew's. “Jinki, why won't you teach me how to sparkle?”

Onew swallowed, willing himself to be patient with his now obviously drunk friend. “To be fair, I don't know how I learned how to sparkle, Kibum.”

“I wonder if it's... Sparkle Condition?” Key's face was completely serious, thoughtful even, as he stared at Onew, honestly wondering in his drunken state if Onew Condition applied to more than just his leader's bad luck. Taemin tried - and failed miserably at muffling his laughter behind his hand. Onew sent him a scathing look that the maknae easily ignored and soon Onew found himself desperately fighting laughter.

Thankfully a distraction came in the form of Jonghyun and Minho entering the living room, identical looks of confusion and fear on their faces. Jonghyun was the first to speak, puppy eyes raking over the pouting form of Key who was now sprawled across the couch. “I heard something about try right and sparkles, and Key looks drunk. Anyone care to explain what's going on?”

“Twilight hyung, Twilight.” Taemin chided and Minho turned away and coughed to cover up his laugh so that it wouldn't turn into a full on fit of laughter.

Onew was about to answer Jonghyun's request for an explanation when Key spoke up again, his gaze trained firmly on Minho. “Jacob? I hope you end up with Bella. Werewolves are so much cooler than vampires, but..vampires sparkle and you don't.”

Minho's jaw dropped and he looked around the room in desperate search of someone to tell him exactly what the hell was going on with Kibum.

“Dear God.” Taemin sighed deeply and pulled his cellphone out of his pocket before typing something into the search bar. A moment later he handed the phone to Minho who took it and stared at the image on the screen. He was met with a guy who he guessed was Indian with defined abs and large muscles, his overall body shape very similar to Minho's own. He handed Taemin his phone back and patiently waited for some sort of explanation to the chaos. “He thinks you look like him, Minho. You know, because you have abs and stuff.”

“I don't look anything like him. I mean he's not bad looking, but I look better.”

“Well, apparently Key thinks you do. Don't argue with me, I'm not the drunk person who thinks you look like him.”

All conversations were halted as Key suddenly grabbed his stomach, his already pale complexion becoming that much paler. Jinki's eyes widened as he was the first to realize what was happening. He grabbed Key's wrist and hauled him off the couch before frantically rushing him to the bathroom. He barely managed to get the toilet lid open before Key dropped to the linoleum floor and threw up. Onew crouched down beside Key and began rubbing soothing circles against his back until Key's stomach seemed to have calmed down and he gave Onew a disturbed look.

"It doesn't sparkle."

Onew's eyebrows shot up in confusion as he continued rubbing his sick band-mate's back. "What doesn't sparkle, Kibum?" he asked cautiously, somewhat fearing the answer.

Key was about to respond but was cut off as another wave of nausea hit him and he leaned back over the toilet. Onew winced as his friend's body lurched forward and he made a sound that was in the middle of a sob and a groan.

After a moment he lifted his head back up and Onew handed him a wet cloth to wash his mouth off with. Once Key was finished, he gave the rapper a quizzical look and repeated his previous question. "Key, what doesn't sparkle?"

"I threw up, but it's not sparkling. Kesha pukes glitter so why don't I? "

"Who the hell is Kesha?"

"American singer. She likes glitter and old men. In the music video for one of her songs, she wakes up with a hangover and pukes glitter." Taemin walked into the bathroom suddenly with a glass of water. He cut on the bathroom fan before handing Key the water. When he looked down he was met with Jinki's forever confused expression.

"How in the world do you know these things, Taemin?"

"Key-hyung showed it to me. You know he's been fascinated with American culture since he learned English and started watching stuff with Amber. She tells him about videos and we watch them together."

Before Onew could reply Key's brow furrowed in confusion as a thought suddenly came to him. "Jonghyun!" he yelled loudly in the near silence of the bathroom and Taemin and Onew both flinched at the shrillness of the sound. Jonghyun bolted into the bathroom seconds later, eyes wide and panicked. When he realized that Kibum wasn't dying, he sent the two sober members an angry glare. They shrugged it off - neither of them knew why Key had pretty much screamed bloody murder.

"Jonghyun, you puke glitter too." Jonghyun almost thought that Key was joking because surely he couldn't be drunk enough to think that a person could actually vomit glitter. He looked deep into Key's eyes and was terrified to see nothing but sincerity in his gaze. Seriously, how drunk was this kid?

"Kibum, what? "

"I think he's talking about Married to the Music," Taemin replied helpfully and understanding dawned on Jonghyun's face, only to be replaced by more confusion.

"That wasn't glitter, Key. It was confetti. And who else do you know that pukes glitter?”

Key giggled and Jonghyun simply stared at him, wondering what he could possibly think was humorous at that moment. It became apparent to the lead singer that he was probably not going to get an answer to his question.

"Confetti is such a funny word. Almost as funny as dibidibidis." Key smiled softly and looked at the three members surrounding him. "I feel better - let's go find Minho. I miss Minho. " Key carefully lifted himself off of the floor, still very much unsteady on his feet. Onew reached over and flushed the toilet as Key strutted past Taemin and Jonghyun who were looking at him with equal amounts of concern and amusement.

The three members shared a look before leaving the bathroom together. When they arrived in the living room, Key was sitting on the carpet in front of the television, apparently using Taemin's playstation to watch a video on YouTube. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be BigBang's 'Bang Bang Bang'. Onew turned to Minho, who was holding the controller, with a questioning look. Minho simply shrugged in response.

“He ran in here and begged me to look up Bang Bang Bang. I don't hate the song or video so I didn't see anything wrong with it.”

“Why Bang Bang Bang, Key?”

“Because.” Key began, then proceeded to point at the TV screen. A few seconds later, a very sparkly G-Dragon came into the video, and the other members immediately understood, before Key managed to begin his explanation. “People always compare mine and G-Dragon's fashion. I thought I dressed better, but he can sparkle.” Key looked close to tears and the other four were completely unsure on how to help the diva.

Suddenly an idea came to Minho and his eyes widened at the realization that there was in fact, a way that they could make Key even more sparkly than G-Dragon could ever dream of being. “What time is it, Taemin?”

“Seven-thirty.”

“The store doesn't close until nine. Let's go to the craft department.” Jonghyun grinned as he realized what Minho's master plan was. Onew realized it as well, but instead of being happy about it, he gave Minho an incredulous look.

“Really? Do you want to take him to the store when he's like this? We can barely go around without getting recognized when he's sober, let alone when he can barely stay on his feet.”

Taemin pulled out his phone and dialed a number, simply putting his finger up to his lips when the other members asked him who he was calling.

“Kai, I need you to do me a favor. Run to the store and buy lots of glitter from the craft department - I'll pay you back when you get here.” Taemin waited for a response and he got one in the form of Kai asking him why in the hell he couldn't go to the store and get it himself. “Key's drunk and if one of us goes he'll want to go and there's no way that we can take him out of the house like this. I know it's weird, but will you please just go get me some glitter?” Taemin smiled when Kai relented and he gave the rest of SHINee's member's a victorious thumbs-up with his free hand. “Thanks, Kai. I know I owe you. See you when you get here.”

“I hope you know that an idol gets very weird looks when they go to a store to buy nothing but bottles of assorted glitter.” Kai sent his close friend a glare as he laid the bag of glitter down on the table. Taemin fist bumped him and smiled gratefully.

“Thanks for doing it anyway. Now.. is this stuff safe to pour all over Key?”

“I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be as long as it doesn't get in his eyes. The only problem is that it's going to make one hell of a mess.” Kai mused as he stared at SHINee's umma who was positively bouncing in excitement.

Jonghyun grinned as he reached into the bag and grabbed the first bottle of glitter. “Key's the one who likes to try and keep the place clean anyway. I think I want to see his reaction to finding out he willingly allowed and or asked us to make a mess in his immaculately clean house.” he stepped closer to Key who gave him a big smile. Jonghyun returned the expression before uncapping the bottle. “Eyes closed.” the singer muttered softly and Key complied. Jonghyun poured the entire bottle of purple glitter onto Key's head, and the diva quickly shook his hair out to spread the sparkle all over his body.

The other members and Kai each took turns pouring bottles over Key until all of the containers were empty, and Key was near unrecognizable underneath all of the layers of powder. He was most definitely sparkling more than G-Dragon, and so was the floor. Jonghyun used his fingers to wipe away some of the glitter that was getting dangerously close to Key's eyes, then proceeded to wipe it off on Minho's jacket. That sparked an all-out war in which Kai and the other members began wiping excess glitter off of Key (much to his displeasure, as he made it quite clear that those were his sparkles), and began wiping it off onto each other.

A sudden shrill noise stopped the festivities and all eyes turned to Kai who began reaching into his pocket frantically as his ringtone cut through all other noise in the dorm. 'Shine bright like a diamond' Kai tried to cut his phone off, but the volume button was broken and he couldn't get it to work. To everyone's utter horror, Key began singing the song, his eyes closed and head bobbing along to the music. His eyes opened when Kai cut his phone off in frustration. He had the most serious look any of them had ever seen on his face, and they could only guess at what the drunk singer was about to say.

“I wanna shine bright like a diamond,” he said softly as he turned around to look at himself in the living room mirror. “I'm sparkling, but I want to shine.”

“For fuck's sake, you're a member of a band called SHINee. Shining is practically in your job description.” Minho couldn't help but be frustrated with his hyung - how long did being drunk last anyway?

“IT'S NOT THE SAME!” Key yelled adamantly, his eyes immediately beginning to well with tears. Onew wrapped an arm around him in a firm hug before turning back to Kai pleadingly. “Feel up to going back to the store and buying some of those fake jewels?”

“I.. fine, I'll go.”  
Kai returned twenty minutes later with a bag of adhesive diamonds. The five sober boys quickly got to work peeling the backing off of the jewels and began applying them to every area of Key' exposed skin and clothing.

Key was beaming by this point and everyone else couldn't help but smile at his happiness, even if it would more than likely be replaced by uncontrolled rage when Key sobered up.

Once Key was satisfied with his sparkle and shiny appearance, he gave his friends a gentle smile and proceeded to hug all five of them, wiping even more of the glitter of on them.

When he got to Onew, he gave the leader a look with narrowed eyes that looked just a little bit less glazy. "Jinki-hyung, you're not sparkling anymore. I mean you are... but not like you were earlier. You don't look like Edward anymore."

Key turned to Onew's left to give Minho a hug. As the younger member was pulled closer, he gave Minho an appraising look to which Minho raised his eyebrows in a silent question. "You really don't look like Jacob. Your body does, but nothing else."

Key took one step away from Minho and ended up stumbling and very nearly falling. Onew shot forward just as Key's body slumped forward. He caught the smaller boy and hauled him up into his arms so that he could carry him more easily to his bed. Everyone else followed and Onew smiled reassuringly. "He fell asleep. I think a lot of the alcohol wore off and he's tired. I'm sure he'll be fine - might have a hangover from hell come morning, though. "  
Key woke up with the worst hangover ever known to man. In all of the years that he had been legal, he could never remember feeling quite so shitty. And it wasn't just the usual symptoms - it felt like he was lying on grains of dirt and rocks, and it hurt. The diva rolled over onto his back and threw the covers off of his body. He watched as what looked like glitter caught the light streaming in through the windows and fell off of his skin. Wait, glitter?

Kibum jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom adjoining the bedroom. He screamed in terror when he saw the glitter and diamonds coating his body. Glitter was a fucking mess. If he was covered in it, so was his bed, his entire room, possibly the entire apartment. Key screamed again at the mere thought as he ran into the living room. Sure enough, every surface in his normally immaculately tidy living room was covered in glitter.

With the rage of a God, he went to each members room and woke them up violently. Once everyone was present, Key eyed them with his furious cat glare and Jinki found himself missing sweet, drunk Key. "Key, first of all, you asked us to pour glitter on you. We only did it because you were about to cry. You hate to cry because it makes your eyes puffy."

"I was drunk, Jinki!"

"That doesn't change the fact that you asked!"

Key glared at each member in turn before pointing at the broom and dustpan. "Clean it all up, and wash all of the sheets. I'm apparently not the only one who went to sleep covered in this shit. Oh and Taemin? Call Kai because that's his glitter-covered jacket on my table so I know he had something to do with this. "

Satisfied with his assignment of chores, Key was about to leave in pursuit of the shower until Taemin stopped him in his tracks. "Key-hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm renting Twilight from Redbox tonight. "


	2. For the Love of Chicken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onew get's drunk

“I wonder if anyone has ever married chicken?” Lee Jinki turned towards his band-mate, Key, who eyed him with concern and maybe just a hint of annoyance. “Kibum, you know a lot of weird facts - has anyone ever married chicken?”

“Jinki, are you already drunk?”

“Maybe. Will you answer my question?”

“I don't know if anyone has ever gotten married to something that you're supposed to consume, but I suppose I could look it up for you if it'll make you be quiet.” Key pretended to type something into his phone before an exaggerated gasp escaped his mouth. “Oh no! It looks like you can't marry your food.”

Onew turned to his friend, his eyes full of sadness and a small pout beginning to form on his face. “You don't have to be so mean about it, Key. I was just asking you a question.”

Key instantly felt guilty seeing the genuine hurt he had caused his leader. The diva patted Onew's head gently before sighing. “I'm sorry, but even if you could marry chicken, I don't think it would last very long, Jinki-hyung. You wouldn't even make it to the honeymoon phase - you would eat it.”

Onew's eyes began welling with tears and Key's jaw instantly dropped in surprise. The leader rarely cried and the fact that he was so upset about being unable to marry chicken was downright worrisome. However when he spoke, Key understood what was really troubling the idol. “Is that why all of my relationships end so badly? Are they afraid that I'm going to eat them? Oh God Kibum, what do I do? At this rate, I'm never going to get married and I really am going to have to marry chicken because it's the only thing thing that won't leave me.” Onew buried his face in Key's shoulder and the rapper continued patting his head affectionately as his leader cried into his shirt.

Without warning, Onew jumped off of the couch and went to the counter where the soju he had been drinking was still sitting. Before Key could stop him, he grabbed the bottle and downed the rest of the contents in a matter of seconds. Key put his head in his hands and cursed himself for carelessly letting Onew drink anyway. They had practice in the morning!

Thirty minutes later when the alcohol hit Jinki's system, he was cursing himself for an entirely different reason. Onew was sobbing uncontrollably as he tore into the bucket of chicken that Minho had picked up on the way home from recording for his new show. He had intended for everyone to eat it so that Key wouldn't have to cook dinner, but Onew had ripped it out of his hands and refused to let anyone else near it.

Jonghyun had tried reasoning with Onew but had only managed to get himself hit in the eye with a drumstick bone after the leader finished eating the meat. The lead singer was nursing the injured eye and casting irritated looks at his friend with his other eye every few seconds.

Key let out an exasperated sigh after a few more seconds of watching Onew completely obliterate the poor chicken. “I guess I'll cook dinner. Thanks for trying to help, Minho.”

Minho cast him a sympathetic look before turning back to the leader who was now mumbling something about chicken being his one true love. Key shook his head and made his way into the kitchen to start cooking the rice. As he was pressing start on the cooker, he heard a crash from the living room that sent rage through his entire body. Someone had thrown something. They had made the mistake of doing so in his living room.

The rapper bolted into the living room and was met with Onew being pinned down on the floor by Jonghyun who looked like he was ready to kill him. “You seriously ate all of the fucking chicken? How do you eat an entire bucket of chicken, Onew?”

Key searched around for the aforementioned bucket and found it underneath the mirror, where Jonghyun had apparently thrown it. Key was torn between cleaning up and saving his friend. In the end, his consciousness won out and he rushed over to Jonghyun, grabbing his collar in the process and forcibly yanking him backward. Jonghyun tried to wrestle with Kibum but Key used the height difference between them to gain leverage on the shorter man and hauled him over to the couch. With more force than was probably necessary, Key pushed him down onto the furniture and glared down at him with arms crossed over his chest, disapproval written clear as day across his features.

Jonghyun slowly looked up and met Key's feline eyes, an apology already on the tip of his tongue. Key however, was having none of it. He held his finger up to his lip and shook his head to silence the lead singer before he could even begin to speak. “I don't want to hear it, Jonghyun. He's drunk - he's not thinking clearly right now, and you trying to pick a fight with him will only lead to one of you getting hurt. We know that the one who will probably end up getting hurt will be Jinki, and he already gets injured enough because of his Onew Condition without you adding to it.” Key glanced towards the empty chicken bucket still lying on the floor and his eyes slid back to Jonghyun once again. Jonghyun gave him a sheepish half smile, to which Key glared, instantly wiping the smug expression from his face. “Second of all.. you know better than to make a mess in here when you don't do shit to help me keep the place clean. Pick up the bucket, Jong. If I catch you throwing stuff around again, I swear to God that I will put Nair in your shampoo bottle.”

Jonghyun's eyes widened and he reflexively grabbed his hair, as if thinking that he could possibly protect it from a pissed off Key. “You wouldn't dare.”

“Oh, but wouldn't I?” Key's eyes narrowed even more if that was possible, and Jonghyun was momentarily convinced that his friend really was half tiger. “Try me Kim Jonghyun, I'm warning you that you won't like the end result and I won't have it in me to feel guilty.”

Jonghyun was about to reply but was cut off by Taemin's concerned whisper behind him. “I think Key-hyung is serious, Jongie.. it might be smart for you to shut up and drop it, no?”

“I'm sorry, Kibum. I'll pick up the bucket and throw it in the trash. Do you need any help making dinner?” Jonghyun made sure that his voice sounded apologetic before cautiously looking up to meet his friend's gaze. Key had a satisfied smirk on his face and he nodded slowly.

“I could definitely use some help. Wash your hands and start cutting up the vegetables.” Key turned towards Taemin and Minho who were sitting beside Onew on the floor, apparently trying to console the still emotionally wrecked leader. “Taemin, Minho? Watch Jinki while we cook - make sure he doesn't make a mess or do anything stupid. Call us if you need reinforcements.”

Key returned to the kitchen and began getting all of the ingredients that he would need for the dinner from the cabinets and refrigerator. He handed Jonghyun the vegetables that needed to be cut and the singer eyed them curiously. “What are you making, Kibum?”

“Kkotgetang” Key answered as he grabbed the crabs out of the fridge. “Minho has been craving seafood, and his begging is getting annoying.”

“I can hear you,” Minho called from the living room and Key scoffed in supreme annoyance.

“I know you can. That's why I said it so loud.” Kibum sighed and continued working on dinner, slight annoyance creeping up on him at the fact that he would have gotten out of cooking duty had he not trusted Jinki to regulate his own drinking. Key continued to stir the food in the pot a little bit too aggressively until Jonghyun took notice and grabbed his wrist. “You don't have to kill the food, Key. I'm pretty sure it's already dead.”

Key nodded and released the ladle he was stirring with. “I'm just tired. It's been a long day and I want to go to sleep.”

Jonghyun's brow furrowed in concern as he finally noticed the dark circles under Key's eyes. “You can go to bed. I'll put the kkotgetang in the fridge and we can finish it later - I'll heat up leftovers for us to eat. Unless you want me to go ahead and warm you up something?”

“I'm not that hungry,” Key turned around to look at the three band-mates still in the living room then turned back to look at Jonghyun, his expression obviously conflicted. “What about Jinki-hyung?”

“We'll watch him while you sleep, Key. We've practically been babysitting Taemin since our trainee days, so how much trouble can Jinki really be?”

Key wanted to argue, he really did, but he could feel the exhaustion that had steadily accumulated over the course of the day weighing him down and he felt unsteady on his feet. “Fine. But if I wake up and my kitchen and living room are destroyed, I will make sure that every embarrassing or scandalous story that I have about you goes public.”

“I know you wouldn't do that because half of my embarrassing and scandalous stories involve you.”

With a soft chuckle at the implication, Key turned on his heel and began walking towards the stairs. He paused at the base of them before turning to give Jonghyun a serious look. “I wouldn't tell your stories, but I'm serious. Take care of Jinki and don't burn down the apartment, okay?” and with that the resident diva trudged up the stairs and into his bedroom, not bothering to change out of his clothes before climbing into bed. If he knew anything about his band-mates, he knew that it was only a matter of time before all hell broke loose and they would need him to save the day.

An hour and a half later, Key was awoken by the sound of crashing coming from downstairs. Fearing the worst, he jumped out of bed at the speed of light and practically threw himself down the stairs. When he arrived in the living room he found Taemin laying on the floor, arms raised in a defensive position, and a furious looking Onew down at him.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Key demanded, gaze moving over each of the members. Surprisingly it was Onew who answered, taking a step away from Taemin in the process.

“Taemin said that he ate all of the chicken in the world and that I would never be able to eat it again.” Onew looked like he was about to cry at the mere thought, then the anger returned to his eyes and he glared daggers at the band's maknae. “Then he told me that he was lying and I was an idiot for believing him.”

“Oh dear lord.” Key said as he pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers. He cut his dark gaze towards Jonghyun who was conveniently looking anywhere but at his friend. “This is what happens when I trust you all to look after someone. It's a wonder we got through Hello Baby without scarring Yoogeun irreparably.”

“Hey, we were pretty good parents, weren't we?” Jonghyun defended, feeling genuinely offended at Key's insult.

Before Key could respond, Minho cut in and gave the other rapper a comforting smile. “I know it's hard to accept, but Jonghyun-hyung was right - we did pretty well with Yoogeun considering none of us had much experience with kids. But Jinki isn't a toddler, so he's not quite as easy to care for, especially when he gets upset. Underneath all of those angelic smiles, he's pretty damn strong.”

Key sighed in resignation and nodded before giving Jonghyun an apologetic look. “I'm sorry Jongie.” he turned towards Taemin who was still sitting on the floor. His umma mode was activated as he approached the youngest and knelt down in front of him before checking him over for injuries. Finding nothing, he looked into Taemin's eyes, expecting to see tears, but there were none. Taemin really had grown up on him somewhere throughout the years since they had debuted. Taemin gave him a small, reassuring smile.

“I'm fine, Key-hyung. I think my pride is what got hurt the worst.” Key returned the smile, ruffling the maknae's black hair gently.

“It's never a bad thing to be a little bit less prideful.” he held out his hand to Taemin who took it and allowed himself to be hauled off of the floor. Key returned his attention back to Onew, who was staring at the ground, pouting. “Jinki-hyung? I think it's about time for you to try and go to sleep, don't you think?”

Onew shook his head adamantly. “No! I'm not going to bed until I've married chicken. I don't care how long it takes, I'm in love with chicken and I'm willing to wait for her.”

“Her?” Key questioned incredulously, to which Onew fervently nodded.

“Her.” he repeated softly, dark eyes boring into Key's own.

“Fine, her.” Key agreed, simply for the sake of avoiding an argument with the drunk leader that he doubted that he would be able to win. “How do you intend to go about marrying your lovely bride, Onew?”

Onew thought hard for a moment before an idea came to him. “Well, first we need a ring and some chicken.”

Key bit his lip and went to the refrigerator to see if he had any chicken leftover that he could throw into the skillet. There was none and he sighed in defeat. “We don't have chicken, Jinki.”

Onew looked like he was about to cry again and Key was ready to rip his hair out in frustration. “Dammit, there's no way that we can take him out of the house like this, and I don't trust any of you to stay here with him without my supervision.”

Taemin pulled his phone out of his pocket and pressed a number. By this point, the members all had a pretty good guess of who he was calling. “Kai, I need you to do me a favor.”

“Last time you needed a favor, I had to buy glitter and diamonds. What could it possibly be this time?” Kai sighed on the other line and Taemin fought the smile creeping onto his face. “Who's drunk?”

“Jinki-hyung. He's convinced that he's in love with chicken and insists on marrying it. He won't go to bed until we've had a wedding ceremony.”

“So what do you need from me - a bucket of chicken and some rings?”

“That's exactly what we need. Go to the chicken place close to your dorm - I'm pretty sure that they have gumball machines there, and one of them is bound to have rings in it.”

“She'll need a veil,” Onew said suddenly, directing his comment at Taemin, who broke out into a fit of laughter. The youngest member coughed into his hand before putting his phone up to his ear again.

“Kai, Onew insists on his bride having a veil. I'm sure that the store will have some in the girl's toy aisle.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Taemin?”

“No, sadly not. It's not that big of a deal, I'm sure by this point that all of the store clerks already think that you're weird as hell - what does it matter if you add to it just a little bit more?” Taemin couldn't help it and ended up laughing again, this time not even bothering to make sure that his friend couldn't hear him. Kai scoffed in annoyance on the other end which only added to Taemin's laughter.

“Are you seriously laughing at me?”

“I promise I'm not laughing at you - Onew did something funny. Please go get the stuff we need. I'll help you learn that dance that you were struggling with, no strings attached.” he smiled to himself, knowing full well that he was being manipulative because there was no way that Kai would be able to resist the offer when he had been struggling non-stop to learn the same dance for more than three weeks. Sure enough, Kai emitted a frustrated sort of groan.

“Fine Taemin, I'll get everything. But if you don't help me with that dance, I'll tell Key about that time that you got drunk and hurt yourself. You never did tell him that the reason you didn't come home from the party was because you spent the night at the hospital, did you? You know how much he'll overreact. You'll probably never hear the end of his parental nagging.”

“No, I didn't.” Taemin practically hissed into the phone. His eyes darted towards Key who was watching him with a curious and completely unassuming expression on his face. “He better not find out, Kai,” Taemin whispered and he heard his friend laugh evilly.

“He won't as long as we have a deal.”

“Fine, we have a deal.”

“It was the same fucking store clerk who checked me out when I bought the glitter. By this point, she probably thinks I'm some sort of sick pedophile buying shit for my victims.” Kai groaned as he threw the bag that had the dress up veil on the table and handed Key the chicken. Taemin smirked and punched his arm lightly.

“It's not that bad. The most she can do is ban you from the store, but she can't even do that unless she has just cause.”

“Yeah yeah. Next time one of you get's wasted, you're going with me to buy whatever weird shit you need. By the way, have I ever told you how weird you all are, because I'm pretty sure that you're on your own level of messed up.”

“You're just now figuring that out? But don't act all innocent - everyone in Exo is weird too.”

“Touché.”

“If you two are done talking, I'm ready to get this event on the road so I can go back to sleep.” Key glared at the two younger boys who refocused their attention on their surroundings. “Kai, please tell me that you have the rings?”

Kai nodded and fished around in his jeans pocket for the two rings that he had gotten out of the gumball machine. He handed them to Key who laid them on the table and began opening the plastic on the toy veil. After a moment he pulled the fabric out and showed it off to everyone. “It's really sort of pretty to be kid's toy,” he said, actually half appreciating the authenticity of the item.

Minho just shook his head and turned to Onew with a small smirk on his face. “So Jinki-hyung, whose going to be your best man?”

Jinki bit his lip, indecision making him glance around the room at all of his members and Kai. His eyes settled on Jonghyun who stared at him in surprise. “I think it should be Jonghyun. I hit him with chicken earlier, so I should make up for it.”

“Okay, so who will be your bridesmaid? Personally, I suggest Taemin - we all know that he's the one who looks the most like a chick.” Kai's comment was met with Taemin's fist connecting with his stomach. The younger singer doubled over, sending Taemin a death glare that he could only hope captured the full weight of his rage.

Taemin smirked and easily side-stepped the kick that Kai attempted to retaliate with. “I don't hit like a chick, do I?”

Visibly fuming, Kai walked closer to Jonghyun who patted his shoulder sympathetically. Jonghyun glanced around at his friends then back at Jinki who was staring at the bucket of chicken as if it was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen. And to Jinki, he guessed that it probably was. “Well, if Taemin and Kai are done arguing, I guess we can start the reception. Key, I guess you can just lay the veil over the top of the chicken.”

“I need to wear a suit!” Onew yelled as he suddenly turned around and ran in the direction of the stairs. Key stared at his retreating figure in absolute disbelief before punching the table with his knuckles. It hurt and he hissed in pain, holding a hand up to stop Minho from approaching him. Instead, he pointed to the stairs that the leader had just darted up. “Go help Onew. There's no way in hell that he's going to be able to get dressed by himself.” Minho nodded, eager to be doing something productive to help pass the time.

Ten minutes later Onew ambled down the stairs while being supported by Minho. The leader was wearing a black suit and tie, and it even looked like he had slicked his hair back. For someone who drunk off of his ass, Key had to admit that he looked pretty damn attractive. “Alright Onew, come here and let's get you married.”

Onew beamed and bounded unsteadily over to Key who closed his eyes for a moment before taking a deep, calming breath. “Lee Jinki, do you take Mrs... um, chicken, to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” Onew said confidently, smiling at his friend who nodded. “I'm assuming that Mrs. Chicken feels the same way. Here are your rings.” Key slipped one ring onto Onew's left ring finger, then eyed the other one with confusion. He slipped the ring onto Onew's right finger. “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now... kiss the bride?”

Onew removed the veil off of the bucket of chicken and grabbed a piece. He planted his lips against it and Key had to look away because it was pretty obvious that the leader was actually kissing the chicken, tongue and all. Then out of the blue, he took a large bite out of the chicken and moaned in complete bliss. None of the other boys tried to get in between the leader and his food, and instead opted to watch as he managed to eat another entire bucket of chicken less than two hours after the first. Jinki reached for another piece of chicken, expecting his grease-slick fingers to come in contact with more breaded goodness, but he found none.

A sob wracked through his body as he cut his eyes to the bucket, only to find that it was empty. Tears freely streamed down his eyes as he laid his head down on folded arms and sobbed. “Does this mean that I'm a widow, now?”

Key couldn't help but feel a strange sense of pity and sympathy towards his leader. He hadn't meant to be right about Onew and chicken not even making it to the honeymoon phase. “No, no Jinki-hyung, you'll never be a widow.”

Onew wiped his eyes and looked up at the rapper, distrust clear in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“You can't possibly eat all of the chicken in the world, can you? As far as I'm concerned, as long as there is chicken somewhere on the planet, you and chicken will always have an unbreakable bond.” Key cooed as he patted Onew on the back comfortingly. It worked as he had hoped that it would and Onew smiled softly.

“That was beautiful, Key.”

“I'm glad you liked it. Now let's get you ready for bed, shall we?” Onew nodded and followed Key willingly up the stairs without a second glance towards the other four boys who were all looking at each other with various expressions of shock, satisfaction, and acceptance.

Onew woke up feeling way too full. He couldn't remember the last time that he had overeaten to such a degree since joining SM, but he could tell that he had definitely eaten far too much. The only problem was that he couldn't remember eating anything. Actually, he couldn't remember going to bed.

Confused, Onew got out of bed quickly and realized that he was wearing a suit. Very odd. He looked at his hands and saw that he was wearing two rings that seemed to have come out of a bubble-gum machine, and he was positive that he smelled chicken. The scent made his stomach churn and he briefly considered running to the bathroom, instead deciding to lay back down and hope that his upset stomach would settle. He laid back down and wiggled out of his suit jacket and shirt, leaving only the pants on before throwing the clothing on the floor and settling himself under the blankets.

A few moments later a knock sounded on the door before Kibum poked his head into the room. “Ah, you're up. How do you feel?”

“Nauseous.”

“I was expecting that. You were drunk out of your mind and you scarfed down two whole buckets of chicken.”

“Ugh.” Onew moaned in misery. “Never let me get drunk again.”

“I won't. Also, I know the answer is probably no, but do you feel up to eating something? We have practice today and you're going to need energy so you don't pass out. You need to at least attempt to eat.”

Onew bit his lip, contemplating whether or not his stomach would be able to handle having anything in it. He doubted that he would be able to keep it down, but Key was right that he had to at least try. “Maybe something light. What do we have?”

“Chicken soup is the easiest to stomach food that I have in the cabinets. I know you probably don't want it but-”

“No. I'm breaking off my relationship with chicken for awhile,” Onew said quickly, his stomach giving a small lurch because he was even thinking about eating more of the now cursed meat.

“I'm afraid you can't exactly just 'break off' your relationship with chicken, Jinki-hyung” Key said quietly. He bit his lip hard enough to almost draw blood in a frantic attempt not start completely laughing his ass off at his leader's expense. Onew narrowed his eyes at his friend warily.

“What do you mean that I can't break it off?”

“You and chicken are lawfully wed. Happy one-day anniversary.”

Onew groaned and threw his head back against the pillows. “I'm an idiot when I'm drunk, aren't I?”

“Yeah, you are.” Key agreed before smiling softly. “But so am I, so it's alright. And I might have a can of beef soup leftover if you think you would be able to stomach that better.”

Onew nodded, appreciating Key taking care of him. “Thanks, Key.” Key smiled as he turned his back to Jinki. He was about to leave the room but turned around to look at him over his shoulder.

“Jinki?”

“Yes, Key?”  
“You know that this counts as cheating on your wife, right? You're moving onto another meat so soon.” The rapper ducked out of the door as he saw Jinki grabbing a pillow to throw at him. The pillow hit the closed door and Key couldn't help the fit of giggles that erupted from him. Through the door, he heard a muffled “Shut the hell up, Key.” Choosing not to respond, Key allowed a small smile to grace his features as he walked away in pursuit of the kitchen to cook Jinki's breakfast like the caring umma that he really was.


End file.
